I started trying to get sober at eighteen. What followed was about six years of attempts that looked like progress from the outside and felt like drowning from the inside: two years here, nine months there, six months, five months. I was lacking an understanding of why I kept ending up in the same place until I went to a rehab center tucked away in the mountains of New Hampshire, where I learned about the disease model alongside other explanations about why I was the way I am.
Like most, adolescence wasn’t easy and my skin was itchy. I had what was then diagnosed as conduct disorder, but what I now understand was pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), a behavioral profile on the autism spectrum characterized by an intense, anxiety-driven need to avoid everyday demands.
Substances came early on for me, with my prescription to Adderall at just 9 years old. My favorite game to play was seeing if I could get out of taking the pills. But with every attempt, I was met with a knowing from those around me while they sternly questioned, often with a raised brow, “did you take your medication?”
I’ve met many along the road who experienced this young ADHD diagnosis + medication thing, and I’m curious if they’re also concerned by the subconscious imprint this leaves behind.
“If you don’t swallow a mind altering chemical, you won’t be accepted.”
I took prescribed Adderall for 10+ years, learning to love the quietness it offered my mind and then the acceptance others showed me when I was placated. The pipeline from this to addiction came rather quick, and naturally.
What came next resulted in 5+ totaled cars, arrests, and suicide attempts, all before the age of 24. I am lucky to be alive, and lucky to have the confidence to put this onto the internet in hopes it will reach the right person.